When you鈥檙e ready to sit down and have a chat with your preschooler — even if you鈥檙e only trying to wrangle information about her day — there is definitely a right way and a wrong way to do it. And if you happen to try the latter, you may well run smack-dab into a dead end.
鈥淭alking to our children in a way that lets them express what is on their mind is extremely important,鈥� explains Dr. Atilla Ceranoglu, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School. 鈥淭alking to children from early on keeps both child and parent attuned to one another. It is solid preparation for the more stormy, tumultuous days of adolescence.鈥�
An expert in parent-child communication, Ceranoglu offers tips on how to avoid the most common mistakes parents make when trying to get the conversational ball rolling with their children.
How NOT to talk to preschoolers
Parent: 鈥淗ow was school today?鈥�
Child: 鈥淔颈苍别.鈥�
Parent: 鈥淲hat did you do?鈥�
Child: 鈥淣耻迟丑颈苍鈥�.鈥�
Parent: 鈥淒id you play outside?鈥�
Child: 鈥渊别蝉.鈥�
Parent: 鈥淲ho did you play with?鈥�
Child: 鈥淚 dunno. No one.鈥�
Sound familiar? The child who talks nonstop about his imaginary friend or retells the plot of his favorite book for hours on end is suddenly struck dumb when you want to get a glimpse into his day.
鈥淭his sterile exchange often becomes frustrating for both parent and child,鈥� says Ceranoglu. 鈥淭he common misconception here is the belief that children can sit like adults and have conversations face-to-face without doing much anything else. Reality is different — not only for kids, but also for most adults!鈥�
The top three mistakes parents make when talking to preschoolers are:
-
Asking too many questions
No one likes to feel like they’re being interrogated, even little kids. Probably worst of all are the queries that start with 鈥淲hy did you鈥︹��
-
Expecting little kids to talk like mini adults
Parents tend to think of their kids as little adults who have grown-up communication skills. If your preschooler is angry because you鈥檙e working too much, she won鈥檛 say, 鈥淢ommy, you will be gone for an awful long time, and we will not get to play now. And guess what? I am only 4, so I do not fully know how to live with delayed gratification.鈥� Instead, she will whine.
-
Playing Mr. or Ms. Fix-It.
We tend to provide solutions to our children鈥檚 problems when they are distressed. This may send kids the message that they are unable to solve their own problems.
What works when talking to preschoolers
So what鈥檚 a parent to do?
-
Spend time together
The easiest way to get your child talking is to do something together that he loves — swimming, playing a board game, fishing, or just hanging out in the yard, says Ceranoglu. And be patient.
鈥淓xpect an initial verbal blackout, particularly if you and your child are new at this,鈥� he says. 鈥淏ear the silence. Even if you fished for a good half hour in silence, know that there is a lot more being accomplished than if you were chasing your child in words. You are giving your child the strongest message in the loudest way: You are there and will be there when that silence breaks.鈥�
-
Avoid asking questions
Instead of asking, 鈥淒id that hurt your feelings?鈥� try saying, 鈥淲ow, that would have hurt my feelings.鈥� That gives your child a chance to respond without being put on the defensive. Also, you鈥檒l get more mileage out of simple listening sounds like 鈥渉mm鈥� or 鈥渉uh,鈥� because they reflect an understanding of the child鈥檚 concerns better than questions, Ceranoglu says.
-
Meeting preschoolers at their level
When your child communicates something, help him out by naming and acknowledge his feelings: 鈥淭hat is sad! It was your favorite toy.鈥�
Read books together, and discuss the story as you go along. This will improve your child鈥檚 vocabulary and also provide a reference for the two of you to use later on. For example, you might say, 鈥淩emember how Thomas the Tank Engine felt sorry when everybody started to play with Stanley? Yeah, maybe your friend Jason playing with other kids made you upset, huh?鈥�
