You tell your child she鈥檚 a 鈥済enius鈥� after she鈥檚 gotten an A on her science exam. You proclaim your son鈥檚 the 鈥渕ost brilliant artist since Picasso鈥� when he hands you his most recent drawing. Does this sound anything like your parenting style? The good news is that you get big points for being your child鈥檚 number one cheerleader. The not so good news? You might want to think again about praising your child.
Please say it isn鈥檛 so. Isn鈥檛 parenting challenging enough without being told that praise, one of the most positive things parents can do for their children, is wrong? Might as well tell us to feed our kids spicy chips for breakfast and — what the heck — let them watch R-rated movies until midnight.
Not all praise is created equal
Hold on. It鈥檚 not that praise itself is bad. But how we praise children can make all the difference. As Carol Dweck, a professor of developmental psychology at Stanford University, reveals in her , applauding children鈥檚 accomplishments rather than their efforts can chip away at their self-esteem and motivation 鈥� the opposite of what we want praise to do.
Say your tween or teen brings home a school art project, and you respond with 鈥淵ou鈥檙e so talented! That sculpture is so pretty!鈥� The result? Your child could become wary of trying hard in the future (鈥淢y next one might not be so good鈥�), feel misunderstood (鈥淚t鈥檚 not pretty! This was supposed to represent a destroyed rainforest!鈥�), and 鈥� kids being masters at spotting a con, even a well-meaning one — doubt your sincerity (鈥淐ome on, it鈥檚 not that 驳辞辞诲鈥�).
Try this at home
What鈥檚 a loving parent to do? Below are examples of what praising for the effort rather than the accomplishment sounds like. Studies show this kind of praise boosts confidence, so that kids treat challenges with excitement instead of fear.
The situation: For the first time, your child gets an A+ on a math test.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淵ou鈥檙e so smart! You鈥檙e a regular Albert Einstein.鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淚 know you missed going to the baseball game this weekend. But all your hard work studying for this test really paid off. 鈥�
The situation: Without you asking, your child cleans up his room all by himself.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淲ow! You cleaned up your room! You鈥檙e such a great kid.鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淚 know you wanted to watch your program right now, but instead you cleaned your room. I appreciate all the effort you put into putting everything away.鈥�
The situation: Your child has made you a card for your birthday.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淭his card is so beautiful!鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淚 love the design on this card. You鈥檝e done it with my favorite colors 鈥� purple and red. And what you wrote about me made me so happy. I鈥檓 going to hang it up over my desk.鈥�
The situation: You鈥檝e just seen a school play in which your child has a starring role.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淵ou were wonderful! You鈥檙e such a great performer.鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淵ou were so convincing in your role. You really moved the audience. People around me were weeping when you gave your final dramatic monologue.鈥�
