Banging the piano lid shut in a crescendo of rage 10 minutes after practicing new scales. Crumpling up the algebra worksheet into a small ball of frustration. These are the times that try parents鈥� souls 鈥� those tearful and tempestuous moments when our children simply give up.
If these episodes are hard for parents to witness, consider how our children feel. They are trying something new and difficult and 鈥� in their minds 鈥� failing. In truth, this is an ideal teachable moment, when we can help our children understand that, no matter how new or difficult, challenges are achieved through patience, practice, and effort.
鈥淧erseverance, or work ethic, is one of the most highly correlated traits of success,鈥� says child educational consultant Michele Borba, the author of . Persistence is something children need to succeed in school and life. A 2007 paper from the 聽found the ability to persevere may be as essential as talent or IQ to succeed. The good news? Persistence is a trait that can be taught and learned. It鈥檚 just a matter of knowing how to help your children 鈥� and not giving up on them when they give up on themselves.
Talk about it
Preteens and teenagers benefit from regularly hearing about persistence. So teach them different ways to talk about problem-solving: 鈥淚 won鈥檛 quit,鈥� 鈥淚 can do it,鈥� and 鈥淚t鈥檚 always hardest the first time, but it will get easier.鈥� Borba also suggests coming up with a household 鈥渟tick with it鈥� mantra, explaining that families that maintain an overall attitude of 鈥淲e can do it鈥� tend to face obstacles and mistakes with grace and ingenuity. Some favorites: 鈥淢istakes don鈥檛 get us down鈥� and 鈥淭he family that doesn鈥檛 quit!鈥� Finally, tell stories either from your own life or ask your school librarian to recommend biographies about people who鈥檝e prevailed and succeeded despite the odds.
Resist rescuing
When we see our kids having a hard time because they aren鈥檛 succeeding, it鈥檚 tempting to jump in to make it all better. But remember: We learn by trial and error. By giving them a chance to fail, we also give them the pleasure of succeeding on their own. The next time your teens or tweens have a problem and ask you to solve it, don鈥檛. Instead, sit down and ask them to think of a solution. This gives your children time to cool down and teaches valuable problem-solving skills. And while it鈥檚 tempting, when playing games 鈥� be it Ping-Pong or Scrabble 鈥� refrain from letting children win just because they鈥檒l be unhappy if they don鈥檛. Playing fair and square teaches the important life lesson that, in games as in life, sometimes you鈥檙e going to fail before you win.
Nurture a hobby
Children who have a passion learn the pleasure of practicing and improving at something they love, says Borba. Give them books on the subject. Encourage them to join a club or team that鈥檚 aligned with their interests. Not only are they learning firsthand the value of mastering something through effort, they may also be preparing for their adult vocation.
Watch out for the 鈥淚 can鈥檛 do it鈥� triggers
Do your children seem to blow up at a certain time of day? Often, says Borba, older kids get frustrated and give up at a task simply because they are tired, hungry, or just need some time to unwind after a long day at school. So make sure your tweens or teens are well fed, get enough sleep, and have a chance to relax before settling down to a chore or homework. By explaining that they鈥檙e strengthening their minds and bodies to be ready for the task at hand, kids will learn to fortify themselves before turning to a challenge.
Remember: Older kids sometimes blow up when they can鈥檛 get something right. Avoid recrimination (鈥淚 told you this would be hard鈥�) or reacting with your own, sometimes justifiable, anger (鈥淒on鈥檛 yell at me just because you are having trouble studying for your history test!鈥�). If you lose your cool, walk away for a moment. Also, suggest your children take a break, then return after calming down.
Push them … just a little
This is one of the trickiest but most essential ways to work out children鈥檚 persistence muscles. It鈥檚 tempting for older kids who do something well to stay in their comfort zone and never venturing beyond that point. Push them to try just a little bit harder next time. For this purpose, kitchen timers are a parent鈥檚 best friend. So if your children practiced their music for 10 minutes this week, set the timer for 15 minutes the following week. Don鈥檛 forget to offer some words of encouragement: 鈥淵ou did great practicing 10 minutes. Let鈥檚 see if we can make this a little more challenging for you.鈥�
But don鈥檛 make the expectations too great
While you do want to encourage kids to try harder, don鈥檛 make your expectations exceed their ability to succeed. If you see your children failing more often than not and feeling the sting of disappointment every time, ask yourself if you are setting the bar too high. Is the soccer team too advanced for your children? Are you so much better at Scrabble that your kids can never win? If the answer is yes, it鈥檚 time to lower the bar so your children experience just the right challenge.
Remind them of their successes
鈥淚鈥檒l never be able to do it!鈥� Chances are you鈥檝e heard your children utter this mournful cry of defeat. At times like these, make kids the hero of a story. Remind them of the triumphal times they had trouble doing well at something but kept their eyes on the goal and succeeded. 鈥淩emember when you were terrified of starting at a new school but braved it out and ended up loving it?鈥� This kind of pep talk is often just what kids need to try, try again. And when your children hang in there, point it out. 鈥淵ou stuck with your science project even though it was hard. You should be really proud.鈥�
